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This week was much harder for me than last week. The idea of not comparing myself to others is so firmly ingrained in my psyche and I spend a lot of my time comparing myself and falling short.
I don’t usually talk about this and I certainly don’t blog about it, but my mother is an abusive, angry, bitter woman, who was very mean to me. Finally about a year ago, I had to cut her out of my life for good. Not only was she still being mean to me, but worse she was starting to do it to my daughter. I had tried to foster a relationship with her for most of my adult life, willing to overloook all the bad that had gone on, in the hopes that we could build some sort of family. She just couldn’t stop herself from saying the most hurtful things – and I’m not just talking about little things… I’m talking about the big ones… things like: “Yeah, I just never felt maternal towards you”, and “You want to be a hula girl for halloween? All you care about is showing skin, what are you, a whore?” (I was 10), and the always popular, 20 minutes after I gave birth to my son, “Let’s just hope you don’t get sick of being a mother like I did”. Yeah, she was nasty, but I thought I could handle it. I won’t even get into the danger she put me in on a regular basis, but let’s just say she shouldn’t have been allowed to raise children. When she started to mess with my child, it all came to a head and I had to say goodbye for good. I finally realized that she was going to try to destroy my daughter, the way she tried to destroy me. I couldn’t let that happen and it was finally the catalyst that I needed to cut her off. I was mourning something that never existed and I tried for years to make something out of nothing. Obviously my Inner Mean Girl was fed by all of that vitriol and she has thrived for many years telling me just how lacking I am.
Now, I really don’t dwell on the past and I’m not one to publicly air my stuff like this, but I was moved by all the things I’ve read, written by other people doing the cleanse, and just people in general that I seem to be coming across lately, going through very similar situations and I decided to really explore why I still allow these mean things to be said to me, why I still listen to it and worse, why I’m saying them to myself. Do I really believe that I don’t have anything to offer? No, I know I have a lot to offer this world. I have come quite far in this journey, but there’s one area where I’m just stuck.
Body Image is the nice way of saying it these days. But Cruella (my inner mean girl) doesn’t say, “Christine, your body image isn’t what it should be”, she says, “look at how thin and gorgeous so and so is, you blob”, or “really? Are you going to eat that? That’s why you’re so fat”, or the ever popular, “You think 20 minutes of exercise is going to help? Yeah, right – you’re hopeless”. And she says these things all day long, every day. How could I allow that?
Truth be told, I don’t know how to stop it. As I sit here and write this, I wonder whose voice these things are being said in, and I’m horrified to realize that it’s my own. It’s not someone from a million years ago; it’s Christine. Right here, right now.
And it’s funny- it’s never about the other person, the person I’m comparing myself to. I don’t begrudge anyone their success, or their good fortune, I truly believe that there’s enough in the universe for every single one of us. I don’t feel any malice towards the other person, I guess because I realize that it’s so totally not about them. It’s about me. Me and Cruella.
As for gratitude, I have plenty to be grateful for, I’ve had more than my fair share of good fortune and accomplishments. I’m living almost the exact life that I want. I could use a couple of extra dollars and and more than a couple of less pounds, but other than that, things are pretty good. It’s really just this one area – funny, it is the area that my mother focused on most when denigrating me, but I’m 45 years old, it’s not her fault anymore and she’s not even in my life to be making these comments. It’s me. Me and Cruella.
Now I just have to figure out how to distract her for the next 45 years… And ideas?
I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-day Cleanse as a Self-Love Ambassador. To thank me for my participation, I will receive a self-love gift from the founders of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School
It is OK to use my photos or content provided a link back and proper crediting is given
I use Typepad for the Animal Planet blog I write – I think WordPress is pretty similar no? However they had the template all set up already. I think my daughter knows how to use it – maybe – she is a genius at creating blog templates etc!
@Wendee Holtcamp, I used to use Movable Type a long time ago and it was a similar set up. I’m sure no matter what you use there will be options for what you’re talking about doing. I don’t recommend Blogger, but I know a lot of people who love it, so… Whatever you do, good luck and please keep me posted!
Hi Christine- Thanks for commenting on my blog! I can’t take credit for the affirmation – it came from the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse email!
He he – I love it too. I need to actually SAY it… I love the idea of affirmations but I’m not so good about actually saying them out loud in any consistent way. I wanted to say that i LOVE the way you lay out your blog with the “About me” and “Cooking” etc. I was just wondering about how to differentiate things in my own blog because I have recently been on a cooking kick and am actually pondering creating a new blog for it. But this is another option I hadn’t considered. Do you use Typepad or WordPress or Blogger? You can email me instead of commenting back if you want- bohemian_AT_wendeeholtcamp.com 
@Wendee Holtcamp, Hi Wendee! I can’t believe I missed that in the email. I’m glad I visited you though, so I got to read it anyway!
Thanks for the kind words about the blog. I am a WordPress addict. I’ve been using it for years and I completely recommend it without hesitation. It’s really simple to use for beginners, yet as you learn more, there’s a ton of functionality that just keeps getting better. There are some really creative, smart people working on making it better and better.
I use self hosted wordpress (full disclosure: I’m a designer and a web host), but I have recommended wordpress.com to many people who weren’t ready to spend money on their own hosting.
Thank you for stopping by and if you need some help, advice is always free.
I’ve had to seriously limit the time my children’s dad spends with them because of the negative talk. It was done to him growing up and now he’s continuing the cycle. I can never leave them alone with him for fear things will get out of control. It’s crazy.
I think you’re on the right path. Just try to remind yourself when Cruella comes to visit that she’s just repeating what she heard your mom say for so many years. Remind yourself that none of it’s true. You’re beautiful and amazing and worthy! Make it your mantra every day and hopefully it will become ingrained.
@Dayngr, You’re right, I do need to remember that. Thank you for the comment.
Yeah, wow! Don’t you love some self-realizations? To figure something out about yourself? I figured something out about myself last year that went all the way back to my 6th grade teacher in Oceanside, Mr Baldessari. some kid had been crying because the others made fun of his big nose. The lecture we all got was you can’t make fun of someone for something they can’t help- he was born with that nose. I took this to mean that it was ok for other kids to make fun of me for being overweight, I had to just suck it up. Hence for the rest of my life deep down when I don’t get what I want, I don’t think I deserve it. SO for a long time I haven’t even aknowledged I want anything.
Good for you! and good for you for having the balls to share it, I salute you!
Deb´s last [type] ..Arrivederci to Mrs Mary Pagnotta
@Deb, Hey Deb, yeah sometimes I love them. Sometimes, not so much. It’s funny how we hang onto things without even realizing it! You remember what we used to call Mr. B, right? Might help you to giggle whenever you feel the need to let go of it… again! :star:
Hi Christine! Girl, I know where you are coming from! With me it was my father, who always told me that some day I would screw up and that he would have to beat me half to death! He did plenty of beating on me when he was drunk, which was every week end. I rebelled as a teenager, ran away from home three times by the time I was 15 I straightened up when I met my husband in my early twenties, I already had one baby and no husband. He taught me to respect myself and that I was just as good as anybody else! I really felt sorry for my father after that! Look in the mirror every day and say I am just as good as everybody else and some day you will start to believe it! Your friend from Texas janey
@janey, Hi Janey! Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to comment with such a thoughtful honest note. I’m so glad that you’ve been able to find the respect for yourself that you definitely deserve! :rose: